TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, PROFITS, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires

Blog Article

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Staff Satirist | SpinTaxi Magazine | Verified by a Camouflaged Sommelier and 4 Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace had been a penthouse, it might have a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker obtain. That's the eyesight guiding Trump Tower Damascus, the most recent geopolitical progress-slash-luxury real-estate calamity released by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and least-sued architects.


Certainly, The person who place casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Picture catalogs has now established his eye on the Middle East. Instead of the usual Dubai skyline filler both-no, we are chatting Damascus, the town Traditionally recognized for historic culture, lethal proxy wars, and now… infinity swimming pools with views of contested airspace.


"It may be remarkable. Tremendous!" Trump declared via a leaked golf cart Zoom contact, streamed with the Placing inexperienced inside of Mar-a-Lago's Condition Bunker. "We've had attractive ceasefires in Syria. A number of the ideal. But now, we're making them with balconies."



Welcome into the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-Tale gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus just like a shaved alpaca in a very falafel stand-confused, majestic, and fully away from put. Built by Slovenian company Ivana & Sons, the tower capabilities:




  • A three-floor On line casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Satisfied Hour until eventually the drone flies")




  • Plus a nine/11-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officials politely referred to as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses noted combined reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, an area textile merchant, sighed, "We waited ten many years for potable water. But Of course, guaranteed, let's have One more spot where by American Adult males can wear robes and phone it diplomacy."


In the meantime, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes therapeutic." When requested how, she replied, "With velvet curtains as well as a pillow menu, of course."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. foreign coverage analysts are calling this the most audacious peace attempt given that Kissinger accidentally joined a rave in Cyprus. Though earlier negotiations unsuccessful under the weight of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's prepare is easier: offer everyone a set on the 72nd ground and comp their mojitos.


In accordance with documents posted on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal involves "luxury diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration between rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, total with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This really is comfortable power," reported political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Television, wielding a deal and also a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO won't. Geopolitical gridlock wants less diplomats and more minibar updates."



Exactly what the Critics Are Screaming


Worldwide watchdogs have sounded the alarm, generally into gold-plated intercoms mounted in Every single unit. The UN Particular Rapporteur for Conflict of Desire pointed out, "It isn't that Trump shouldn't open a tower in a very war zone. It is that he should really halt applying it to lease ballroom Area to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when requested about the task, replied, "You know, guy, I when rode a camel in Beirut. Very good persons. Terrific tan. In any case, do I continue to have that ice product?"


In the meantime, The Hague has reserved a suite for "potential evidence storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has officially referred on the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing unit of your Levant."



Satellite Shots Expose… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit unveiled that the resort's landscaping kinds an enormous Trump head visible from space, a feature being promoted as "desert-proof branding." The mustache is produced from refugee tents and also the chin is… well, labeled.


Environmental groups have filed lawsuits soon after locating the constructing's gold plating reflected so much daylight it spontaneously blinded 3 migrating storks and set fireplace to a neighborhood melon cart.


"It can be not only unsightly. It is a war criminal offense with curtains," said Amnesty International's regional director.



The Melania Wing as well as other Confusing Characteristics


Probably the strangest component of your tower is its Melania Wing, which includes:




  • A silent atrium in which attendees may contemplate vague disappointment



    • Trump Tower Damascus

  • A reproduction of her Slovenian Bed room, total with local weather Regulate established to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which includes her "I do not treatment, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Exhibit.




Area Syrians are unsure what to create of this. "Is she a ghost?" requested 12-yr-previous Ahmad, pointing into a holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Advertising Technique: "Should you Bomb It, They're going to Occur"


The ad marketing campaign, a short while ago leaked by means of the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is Daring. One particular poster reads:


"Peace is Short term. Luxury is Forever."


A further slogan, now circulating in Beirut coffee shops:


"A Tower So Major, Even Assad Has to Notice."


General public reception is wildly divided. A the latest SnapPoll done within a hookah lounge shows:




  • 34% say "it might stabilize the region"




  • 29% say "this will escalate regional kitsch"




  • 18% said "where by's the nearest elevator to the West Financial institution?"





Investor Praise: "Eventually, a Crisis That Pays"


The venture is now attracting awareness from Global traders, including:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights as being a international minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an anonymous TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who mentioned he'll invest in three penthouses "only to flex on Hezbollah."




Based on a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's business level will even involve:




  • A Dollar Keep of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Theme Park Named 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Space Determined by the Iraq War





Remark Part Chaos


On the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb write-up about the disclosing, consumer @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Won't be able to hold out to check out a marriage in the course of a ceasefire. Hope they toss grenades in lieu of rice."


Person @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Ultimately, a hotel in which my PTSD can have flip-down services."


An additional publish from @KuwaitiKardashian simply just questioned:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Result


U.S. officials worry the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real estate property Arms Race." Stories propose:




  • China may open up the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is scheduling a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly made available to construct a Tesla showroom to the Golan Heights powered by Uncooked ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten associated. In accordance with https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has offered to bless the plumbing… but provided that he can rename the best floor "The Holy See-Stage Suite."



Final Feelings from the Trump Foundation for Peace & Pancakes™


Inside a closing ceremony that included a few camels, a flamethrower, as well as a hologram of Reagan supplying a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed more than the speakers:


"Damascus wanted hope. It required gold. It wanted a waterslide formed just like the Constitution. I gave everything a few. You're welcome."

Report this page